Just... Everything

Wow.

It really affects the way I write when I realize others will read this. If you don't want to know the weird interworkings of my mind, this post is probable best avoided. If, on the other hand, you like juicy knowledge of and about me... well then... Uh. Well... Best play it down a bit. Wouldn't wanna scare me know, would ya? ;)

Pretty much, I'm a man. I havent grown much in the past few years. I have a high school degree and I converse with adults fairly well. My parents have never, ever, evvvver been the kind to do things for me. From emails to phone calls to scheduling and the rest, they have always left it to me. Now that I have a license, lets just say, the only things my parents are good for is moral support, an awesome couple to mooch of of and they give me things cause... they're dang nice.

Thanks mom and dad. I love you. :D

Anywho. I am confident that right now, if you gave me keys and a bag and told me to pack up and start my life, I could. Yeah. It would suck. But yeah, I could do it. As long as I can get free signatures on stuff that needs a guardian. :P

So... needless to say, I have been if an odd mood. i.e. the usual.

I have been thinking of my future family, career, and life nonstop. I was given a religious blessing in December that became a compass for my life. I have based a lot of decisions on the said blessing and it is always at the back (or forefront) of my mind.

I was sitting tonight, staring at the eggshell wall, speckled by odd splashes of texture. My vision blurred as I focused in and out. And I just started thinking. Again. :P

Here is what I started thinking of:

I believe every american young man has an order in his mind.

It consists of four things.

God. Country. Family. Self.

Most teenage boys would probably order the four focuses as such:

1. Self.
2. Country.
3. Family.
4. God.

Think about it. What teenage boy doesn't want to be a rich, good looking, super soldier who has a hot wife and goes to church when he feels like it?

My priorities have been shifting. No longer am I a teenager (I'd argue that I never was) Now I am a man.

I have never been the most religious guy. I confess. I don't always say my prayers, read my scriptures, feel the spirit or even *want* to go to church. Sometimes I just don't put my Heavenly Father first. Am I proud? Nope. Is it the truth? Yup. But in a few months time, I will put everything aside and become a literal disciple of Christ. I will speak for Him and in His name.

My order will look something like this:

God.
Companion.
Self.

After my mission though... thats when *real* life sets in. It's where the past 20 years of my life will be flung into reality and tested in the worst ways.

I hope and pray I will find a wife strong enough to bear those tests with me. Adventurous enough to do things that might not be comfortable or easy. Loving enough to accept me and all my imperfections. And dreamer enough to sit and plan our life out with me.

And heres how I hope my order will look like then:

Family
God
Country
Self

The fact of the matter is, my family will need me. The other fact of the matter is, hundreds, maybe thousands of other people will need me. They say the life of the leader is a lonely one.

I will be lonely. My family will be lonely.

That makes me sad. It does. But it also makes me very very very happy. Why? Because it makes me realize that as a teenage kid, I have something that not many adults have. A sense of purpose.

I *know* that I am here for a reason. I survived my crazy birth not because of the skill of doctors but because my Father in Heaven wanted me here. I have a mission to fulfill. I am here for a reason.

Right now, I know a few things.

1. For me hard work isn't an issue. Humility is. Selfishness is. Perfectionism and the expectation of it is.

I see myself as better than people. I have been so very blessed that I often judge others for not being as ____ as I am. As smart, as handsome, as strong, as well traveled, as blessed, as clean, as well behaved, as motivated, as tall, as 'perfect' as I am.

2. I am a patriotic beast. Holy cow. I straighten up when I see a flag. I smile when I see a military member. I sing when I hear the anthem. I wanted so very badly to attend the Air Force Academy. I feel a desire, a need to serve my country and give back to America. I need to serve in the Military.

Not as a career. As a service. Part time. For a few years.

3. I need a family. I need a wife. I want children. I want to have "dingus days" where we all drop everything and spend the day together doing things we love. I want us to love each other with all of our hearts. I want to homeschool my children and build them to have a strong core, a broad level of education and a deep passion for learning. I want my wife and I to be best friends who constantly and consistently love each other. Who compromise. I want to serve her. I want her to be better than I am. I want my family to be a unit guided by my wife, myself and our Father in Heaven.

4. I will serve my church. I am not sure who is reading this or what your familiarity with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is, but I am a devoted member of the LDS Church. I will give whatever I am asked to give to my church because I know it is true and I know it is led by Heavenly Father.

So if you're reading this... I apologize. So many thoughts have been flowing in every direction and blocking my train of thought. Now that it is written in ink, I can let a little bit of it go.